jill

Its been almost seven years since you left. Almost seven years now that I still can't trust anyone nor bring myself to let anyone get close to me or my family. I can never put them through that again, not ever. Always having to explain why it didn't work out, I'd rather not let them in at all. Its no conicidence that I have strained relationships with all my friends with significant others. I'm often reminded of my bitterness whenever I see happy couples, especially the ones with children. I still remember those many conversations we had about how many we were going to have and how much enjoyment we had coming up with each of their names. Don't get me wrong, I still enjoy the company of my coupled friends and their kids, I just can no longer hide my sadness whenever I'm around them. So as I often do, I just retreat, retreat back to my room to stare at the ceiling fan as it goes round and round. When I think of your betrayal and the lack of communication on your part, and don't get me started on the Michael piece, a part of me dies and with it hatred and loathing consumes me and fills my head with unspeakable things. I despise what I've let myself become, I'm empty and hopeless. I don't know why I'm thinking about you today Jill, I've been really busy here at work and I can say this line of thought is truly getting the best of me and I'm afraid it will spill over into the rest of my evening and possibly into the rest of the week. Why couldn't you be honest with me?